A Brief Summary

The Wheel of Consent is a powerful framework developed by Dr. Betty Martin and presented in her book, “The Art of Receiving and Giving (2021)”. It helps people distinguish who is doing an action and who it is for, so that touch (and all kinds of interactions) can happen with genuine mutual agreement and maximum satisfaction.

At the core are two simple exchanges that create four distinct experiences.

First, is the Give/Receive relationship:

1. Giving - You give touch or respond with giving action to how the other expresses they want to be touched, as a gift to them.

2. Receiving - You ask the other for how you want to be touched by them. Their hands on you, exactly how you want, for your own pleasure, within limits they have agreed to.

No, this is not selfish – because all is done with expressed permission (Consent). It awakens direct access to your desires, and your ability to feel worthy of pleasure.

Next is the Take/Allow relationship:

3. Taking - You are allowed to take from the other, to touch them exactly how you want, for your pleasure, within the limits of what they allow.

4. Allowing - You receive touch exactly as you want it, without having to direct or control it.

This teaches generous boundaries and the ability to stay present even when the touch is not for you.

It is beneficial for all dynamics to switch roles in order to feel what it is like to be in all positions.

All four experiences are equally valuable. Most of us were raised to live mainly in Giving and Allowing, while Taking and Receiving were labeled “selfish.” Reclaiming the whole wheel restores balance, reduces resentment, and makes intimacy far more alive and honest.

A key insight:

Often, when beginning the process, we can confuse the roles. For example, enduring unwanted touch because “it makes them happy” is not true Giving – it is the shadow of Allowing, it is abandoning your boundary. Similarly, grabbing or demanding is not true Taking – it is violation.

Consent, in this model, is not just the absence of “no.” It is the active co-creation of enthusiastic “yes – this is exactly what we both want right now.”

Betty Martin’s famous practice tool, the “3-Minute Game,” makes it easy to taste all four quadrants safely: each person takes turns asking, “How do you want to touch me for three minutes?” and “How do you want me to touch you for three minutes?”

Although originally designed for touch and intimacy, the Wheel of Consent applies to conversations, gifts, favors, money, time – anywhere one person does something for another. Learning it gives people clear language for boundaries and desires, dramatically reduces unwanted touch, and opens the door to far more pleasure and connection.

For free diagrams, videos, and exercises, visit bettymartin.org/the-wheel-of-consent. The book goes much deeper into the shadows of each quadrant and how to practice safely.